Ready to Go, Willing to Stay

"So Jesus answered and said, 'Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel's, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time-- houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions-- and in the age to come, eternal life.'" (Mark 10:29-30)

China, Part 1

Back in February, I was offered a position at a school... in Pinghu, China.

I listened quietly, while Dr. Huang painted a verbal picture of the school, the position, the responsibilities, the perks. I kept silent, but my mind raced between the past and the future, resting in the present only to process what he was saying.

The offer turned my world upside down. What if God was calling me to go? Could I part with the things I love in Taiwan? Could I give up the ministry He's entrusted to me here? Could I bear the unknowns and pressures that may well come with this job? Could I say good-bye to my two homes-- and more importantly, to my family?

I thought and prayed and cried all weekend. Sunday morning, a verse in worship service startled me: "...Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel's, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time..." (Mark 10:29-30) For His sake. I confess that, in our nine years of family ministry, I have wondered-- even longed-- to go off and live on my own... but for my sake. Would I be willing to give up everything I hold dear for His sake?

The Refiner's fire burned steadily yet mercifully, laying my heart bare before the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I sat down in Dad's office that afternoon, heart heavy and eyes brimming with tears. There I sobbed out my surrender to the Lord. If this offer was from Him, I was willing to follow Him-- alone-- into China.

It has been a long time since the Lord has asked me to die to something so definitely. And yet-- as He gave Isaac back to Abraham, so He gave my family and Taiwan back to me. Dad talked more with the leaders of the school and decided that this was not yet God’s time for me to go. I may go someday, but not today, not now. So why did He let me go through all that emotional trauma, if He knew I was just going to stay put? Perhaps because He is more concerned with my journey than He is with my destination. He cares more that I am willing than that I actually go. As my friend Andrea once shared, He wants to know that I am “ready to go, willing to stay.”

So stay I shall… for now.

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Soul Lemonade, No. 12
Taipei, Taiwan