Into His Arms

"Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me" (Psalm 41:9)

A good friend recently decided to cut off all communication with me.

Shock settled into hurt. Hurt turned into anger. Anger seethed into bitterness. And bitterness, like poison, gnawed away at my soul. In the days that followed, rejection followed me like a hangover—it was the first thing that hit me in the morning and the last thing that haunted me as I drifted off to sleep.

It's been a long time since I've felt the bitter sting of betrayal.

I awoke Friday morning with a heavy heart. This was not exactly how I wanted to end the year. Gloomy thoughts hung over me like a cloud as I jogged to the track and ran my laps. Round and round I went, rehearsing all the scathing retorts my mind could conceive. I was part-way through the third lap, when a thought interrupted Retort #276: "You're spending more time figuring out how to tell off your friend than you are in venting directly to God. You're focusing more on yourself and how you've been hurt than on the Lord and His purposes for letting this happen."

With that revelation, the Lord began to do what I could not do for myself. That night, He broke me as the church began to sing "Be Still, My Soul."

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order or provide
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

The Refiner's fire burned steadily, patiently, but with increasing intensity. Figuratively speaking, I felt like I had been grabbing my friend by the scruff of the neck, but with each line and verse of that song, my fingers loosened their hold. As I surrendered to Jesus, He reached down from Heaven and began to unravel the emotional knots in my heart, freeing me from bitterness, erasing my anger, soothing my pain, and most importantly, drawing me to Himself. The more I surrendered, the closer He drew me.

By saying yes to Him and no to myself, I found myself entering the new year... in His arms.

Can't beat that. ;-)

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"And God will wipe away every tear..." (Revelation 21:4)

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Soul Lemonade, No. 16
Taipei, Taiwan

The Fingerprints of God

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you." (John 15:16)

VOICE-- Desiring God's Stamp of Approval

"How can we tell God is still leading us?"

My Rhumba was melting and my Italian chicken bread growing cold. I knew what Dad was about to say.

"How many applications do we need to continue with plans for VOICE*?"

'Twas the eve of our VOICE application deadline, and we were having the dreaded father - daughter, director - event coordinator talk. I had heard that exact same question in 2002, when he canceled because of post-9/11 terrorist threats and then in 2003, when SARS hit Taiwan. He wanted to put out the same fleece again-- asking God to confirm His will by giving us a certain number of applications. He wanted 32. I talked him down to 26 (for logistical purposes), yet I knew we only had 5 in hand. My mind reeled with the implications of canceling... again.

It was a refining moment... for VOICE and for me. Was the Lord testing my willingness to yield to His lordship or was He testing my faith?

On one hand, I knew that while I was event coordinator for VOICE, God was calling the shots. That is perhaps the trickiest aspect of my work-- relinquishing control again and again and again. No matter what I'm doing and how good it might be, Jesus is still Lord. He must have ultimate control.

On the other hand, I could not deny God's leading for VOICE up till that point. He had given us the support of IBLP's International Department. The King Car Education Foundation was advertising the conference across Taiwan. Rowan and Zach had prayed about (agonized over) and finally committed to helping us. Doug was already adapting his TESOL course to the ins and outs of our program. How could I possibly tell them that the God who led them to help with VOICE was now canceling?

Through the cloud of doubts surfaced a single question: Why not pray that God would confirm His will by bringing in 26 applications? Did I not believe He was able? And so I found myself crying out, "Lord, I want to see 26 applications. I want Your will, but my faith is small. Help Thou my unbelief!"

As my feeble prayer rose to Heaven, God continued the work He had begun. Student after student filled out and faxed in their application. Michelle received our staff invitation the day she asked God to confirm whether or not she should go to Africa for the summer. Guy after guy turned down our staff invitation, until we tracked down Anthony in Malaysia. He hadn't given Taiwan much thought until he joined us for VOICE... and now he's in Taiwan teaching English for a year.

And so it was, that when Dad arrived in Detroit, Michigan on Tuesday, July 27, with no more and no less than 26 people, we were absolutely certain it was God's will.

And there in God's will we found assurance and confidence to embark on our next great adventure.

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VOICE (Visualizing Opportunities in Character and English) was a month-long conference in Michigan. Conference participants included (1) ATI students taking TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) and interested in using it for missions, (2) English teachers from Taiwan, mostly unbelievers, also taking TESOL, and (3) high school and college-aged students from Taiwan, primarily from Christian families, receiving training in discipleship and English.

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"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

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Soul Lemonade, No. 15
Taipei, Taiwan

Coping with the Adult Child Syndrome

"'Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with promise: 'that it may go well with you and you may live long on the earth.'" (Ephesians 6:2-3)

Today I heard myself say, "Dad, I'm Twenty-EIGHT!"

I was half asking, half mentioning that I'd like to visit friends next weekend. I've been thinking about it for the past two weeks and finally finished schedule swapping at church to clear my weekend for the trip. Dad's response?

"You know we need to get ready for Character First-- promotion, English materials, CD, DVD..." He didn't need to remind me. I was painfully aware of all these deadlines-- comes with too much work, too little time, and too little help. As the conversation stepped up in intensity, I reacted to the fact that he felt he still needed to remind me... after nine years of working long hours to meet my deadlines. I wondered if he was using deadlines as an easy way to say no to his adult daughter. Did he realize that most 28-year olds don't even bother to ask their parents for permission to do things? I bit my tongue more than once. But the more I stewed, the faster the tears fell.

Then through the crossfire in my heart, a quiet voice asked, Could the Lord be trying to say something through my dad? Have I missed something despite all my thinking things out and praying? Is this God's will or is Karen just trying to get her way?

You see, it's not about what my parents say, it's about what the Lord is trying to say through my parents. It's not about what my parents do, it's about what the Lord is trying to do in my life through my parents. The more certain I become of God's will, the fewer conflicts I have with them.

And that is how I face life on the home front as an adult child.

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Soul Lemonade, No. 14
Taipei, Taiwan

My Umbrella Escort

"Then He said to them, 'The harvest truly is great, but the laborers are few; therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.'" (Luke 10:2)

China, Part 2 (April 2004)

I stumbled out of the van, disoriented and bleary-eyed from my nap. Justin leaned over and muttered, "Shoot like crazy. We'll need all the photos we can get of this place."

I forced myself to follow, assembling the Nikon D100 and shaking the cobwebs of sleep from my mind. I wasn't sure where "this place" was or what I was supposed to shoot. All I saw were empty buildings and wooded property. How was I supposed to capture the essence of a place I neither knew nor understood?

A gentle spring rain began to fall, forcing me to juggle the camera, a camera bag, and a bright red square umbrella. It was awkward to say the least. Mr. Li, seeing my trouble, asked a young man in military fatigues to escort me.

My quiet escort followed me all over the property, ever careful to shield me as I shot buildings, doorways, fountains, walkways, and ponds. This was once a military compound. Chiang Kai Shek himself had lived and walked and taught here. It was once filled with soldiers who lived and died for China. Now the property was empty, save for a handful of students like my escort.

When I wasn't shooting, I asked him questions. He told me a little about his life-- here at the compound and also back at home in the mountains. His tribe had selected him and four other students, ages of 18-23, for a special education program headed up by Mr. Li to equip them with skills which they could use to help their tribes. This was his first time away from home.

His answers were polite, respectful, punctuated regularly by a shy smile. His face was soft, unhardened. There was a purity about him that moved me. I was talking to a boy, who had not (yet) been tainted or hardened by the world.

When preparing for this second trip to China, I was all too aware of my decision not to go to Pinghu. Still I wanted to see everything through the eyes of my Father. I wanted to gain more of His heart.

And so, even months later, I cannot shake the memory of a young man in military fatigues, tucked away in a forgotten corner of China-- on the brink of opportunity and eternity.

I hope we meet again.

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Soul Lemonade, No. 13
Taipei, Taiwan

Ready to Go, Willing to Stay

"So Jesus answered and said, 'Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel's, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time-- houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions-- and in the age to come, eternal life.'" (Mark 10:29-30)

China, Part 1

Back in February, I was offered a position at a school... in Pinghu, China.

I listened quietly, while Dr. Huang painted a verbal picture of the school, the position, the responsibilities, the perks. I kept silent, but my mind raced between the past and the future, resting in the present only to process what he was saying.

The offer turned my world upside down. What if God was calling me to go? Could I part with the things I love in Taiwan? Could I give up the ministry He's entrusted to me here? Could I bear the unknowns and pressures that may well come with this job? Could I say good-bye to my two homes-- and more importantly, to my family?

I thought and prayed and cried all weekend. Sunday morning, a verse in worship service startled me: "...Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel's, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time..." (Mark 10:29-30) For His sake. I confess that, in our nine years of family ministry, I have wondered-- even longed-- to go off and live on my own... but for my sake. Would I be willing to give up everything I hold dear for His sake?

The Refiner's fire burned steadily yet mercifully, laying my heart bare before the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I sat down in Dad's office that afternoon, heart heavy and eyes brimming with tears. There I sobbed out my surrender to the Lord. If this offer was from Him, I was willing to follow Him-- alone-- into China.

It has been a long time since the Lord has asked me to die to something so definitely. And yet-- as He gave Isaac back to Abraham, so He gave my family and Taiwan back to me. Dad talked more with the leaders of the school and decided that this was not yet God’s time for me to go. I may go someday, but not today, not now. So why did He let me go through all that emotional trauma, if He knew I was just going to stay put? Perhaps because He is more concerned with my journey than He is with my destination. He cares more that I am willing than that I actually go. As my friend Andrea once shared, He wants to know that I am “ready to go, willing to stay.”

So stay I shall… for now.

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Soul Lemonade, No. 12
Taipei, Taiwan